M'Invitasti E Son Venuto
by miknnik
Summary: M'Invitasti E Son Venuto Loosely translated: Hey, You Asked for It! A case of good intentions, bad decisions.
1. Chapter 1

**L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Stupide**

_Frasier's condo. Marty and Daphne are at the dining table having lunch. Eddie is on one of the chairs getting table scraps occasionally from Marty. The door opens, and Frasier and Niles walk in._

MARTY: Hey there!

FRASIER: Dad! Daphne! I'm so glad you're here!

DAPHNE: (to Marty) (jokingly) Uh-oh. This could get ugly.

NILES: We have wonderful news to tell you.

MARTY: (to Daphne, bantering) Here goes.

FRASIER: As you know, Niles and I are firm believers and supporters of public broadcasting, and this year, we made a donation jointly during the last PBS pledge drive and won the most coveted prize!

NILES: Two tickets for Le Nozze di Figaro—the best seats in the dress circle!

MARTY: What, you're not allowed in the tux circle?

_Marty grins at Daphne, who is giggling._

FRASIER: (ignoring Marty's smarty-pants remark) Since we're season ticket holders of Seattle Opera, we have two extra tickets, so we made an arrangement to take you two to the opera with us a week from Saturday.

DAPHNE: (delighted) (jumping out of her chair) Oh, Dr. Crane! You shouldn't have!

_Marty also gets up from his chair to stand close to Frasier and Niles._

MARTY: (meaning every word of it) Yeah, you really shouldn't have. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but you can find someone who appreciates a night at the opera more than I do, can't you? What about Maris?

NILES: You know that she's in Switzerland for a minor procedure and won't be back till the end of this month.

DAPHNE: Oh, Mr. Crane, this could be fun! We'll sashay into the lobby dressed to the nines, mingling with the rich and famous…

MARTY: (annoyed) I don't sashay! And dressing up in a penguin suit isn't my idea of fun.

FRASIER: Don't worry about that, Dad. Contrary to popular belief, opera is for everyone. Parents bring their kids to the productions of Hansel and Gretel, or The Magic Flute all the time. When I was a college student in Boston, some nights the auditorium was packed with college kids in ratty sweaters and jeans.

MARTY: Did you go there in a ratty sweater?

FRASIER: Think, Dad—have I ever owned one?

NILES: The point is, Dad, you can wear your comfortable clothes to the opera. But since you're accompanying us, a decent jacket without any food stain would be nice…

FRASIER: And a nice pair of slacks—pressed, of course.

MARTY: Can I wear my comfy loafers?

_Frasier and Niles look at each other._

FRASIER & NILES: (scrunching their faces) Hmmm…

MARTY: That's it! I'm not going.

NILES: (panicky) But, but…

_Frasier takes a quick glance at Niles._

FRASIER: Dad, may I speak with you in private? In the kitchen?

_Without waiting for Marty to respond, Frasier grabs Marty's arm and takes him to the kitchen._

MARTY: Hey, what's it with you? I told you, I'm not going. Why don't you find somebody else?

FRASIER: Please, Dad. Could you do this as a favor for Niles and me? Especially for Niles?

MARTY: What do you mean?

FRASIER: You know how Niles feels about Daphne.

MARTY: It's kinda hard not to notice, but he's a married man. Besides, Maris will never give him a divorce 'cause she's a…

FRASIER: A spiteful woman?

MARTY: I was going to say something that rhymes with 'witch,' but that too. Anyway, I don't wanna encourage Niles to keep his hopes up. It's cruel.

FRASIER: Oh, come on, Dad! It's not like we are helping him have an illicit affair. (trying to attack from a different angle) Don't you want Niles to be happy?

MARTY: Of course I do. He's my son.

FRASIER: Have you ever seen him happy around Maris?

MARTY: Well… (somewhat wavering) But why me? Why do I have to go see…uh…

FRASIER: The Marriage of Figaro. Because of the group dynamics.

MARTY: What?

FRASIER: Suppose we choose someone who's an opera buff and mutual friend of Niles' and mine. Daphne may feel left out or awkward being around a stranger. And Niles can't moon over Daphne openly because a secret is a rare commodity among the society people. So, it could be an awkward arrangement for Niles and Daphne. Or, we could ask Daphne to bring her friend. That might be fine with her…

MARTY: But they'd keep yapping about their hair, dresses, boyfriends, and Niles would be left out.

FRASIER: Precisely! So, will you come with us?

MARTY: (wavering) I don't know…

FRASIER: Please, Dad. I'll make it up to you somehow. I'll do anything you want.

MARTY: Really?

FRASIER: If your request is reasonable enough, yes.

MARTY: Hmm… Let me think about it. (just a few moments) Okay, I'll go with you if you and Niles agree to come see a Sonics game with me.

FRASIER: Well, that certainly is reasonable enough. Tell you what—I'll pay for the tickets to sweeten the deal.

MARTY: All right! You're on!

FRASIER: But first, let me run this idea by Niles.

MARTY: Why bother? You two decided to take me and Daphne to the opera without asking us first.

FRASIER: _Touché_.

MARTY: If don't mind, I'll ask Joey to get us good seats. He knows a guy who's dating a gal whose sister works at the Sonics ticket office. So, is it a deal?

FRASIER: Yes, fair enough. Let's shake on it.

_Frasier and Marty shake on the deal and walk out of the kitchen into the living room. _

FRASIER: Good news! Dad's coming with us after all.

DAPHNE: (excitedly) Oh, I'm so happy to hear that!

NILES: And I'm happy that you're happy!

_Niles steals a hug while Daphne is giddy with excitement. Marty looks on somewhat disapprovingly._

FRASIER: I assure you, Dad, you won't regret your decision. The Marriage of Figaro is one of the most performed operas around the world for a very good reason.

MARTY: (already dreading the day) How long is the show?

FRASIER: It starts at seven thirty and ends around eleven, but we go there an hour early.

MARTY: What? Why?

NILES: To attend a lecture before the performance. You'll get more out of the opera when you learn its background.

MARTY: I don't need it 'cause I already know a little bit about this opera.

DAPHNE: Really?

MARTY: Sure. (singing one of the familiar tunes immortalized by Saturday cartoons) Fiiiigaro! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Fiiiigaro!

FRASIER: (grinning) Nice try, Dad—right character, different opera by another composer.

MARTY: Huh?

NILES: That's Largo al factotum from The Barber of Seville, the prequel of The Marriage of Figaro, by Gioachino Rossini.

DAPHNE: Oh, you two are so knowledgeable!

MARTY: (sulking) Don't encourage them.

DAPHNE: I don't know much about opera, but my brother, Nigel, wanted to be an opera singer when he was a teenager and used to practice some songs like…

_Daphne sings in a reedy, unsteady voice._

DAPHNE: _Voi che sapete, che cosa é amor_…

_Puzzled, Frasier and Niles look at each other._

FRASIER: Very good, Daphne, but are you sure that's the song your brother used to practice?

DAPHNE: Yes, of course I'm sure.

FRASIER: You know, it's Cherubino's canzone from The Marriage of Figaro, and Cherubino is a trouser role—a young male role performed usually by a mezzo-soprano.

DAPHNE: So? He also wanted to play in… Oh, what was the name of this opera? Clementine and Chico?

_Baffled, Frasier and Niles ponder for a few moments._

FRASIER & NILES: La Clemenza di Tito!

DAPHNE: And another one that sounds like…Maurice Chevalier.

_Frasier and Niles have to think a little longer to come up with the answer this time. When Niles speaks the first word of the title, Frasier joins in._

FRASIER & NILES: (excitedly like a couple of quiz show contestants) Oh, oh, oh! Der Rosenkavalier!

_Frasier and Niles do a high-five._

MARTY: So, did your brother get any of the roles he wanted?

DAPHNE: No. It shouldn't be a big surprise for a lad trying to sing like a woman who's pretending to be a young man.

_Marty tries to wrap his mind around what Daphne just said._

NILES: Well, if you ask me, you should have trained to become a diva, Daphne, instead of your brother.

DAPHNE: Me? I can barely carry a tune.

NILES: With proper training, you could have been a world-class prima donna. Just look at you—you have such an exquisite face and melliferous voice, you're a perfect heroine onstage!

_Frasier and Marty roll their eyes._

DAPHNE: Oh, you're such a flatterer, Dr. Crane. But I once met such a woman who really did have the face of an angel and the voice to match. I'll never forget her.

FRASIER: Did you meet her at The Royal Opera House in London perhaps?

DAPHNE: No, at Harrods.

NILES: Harrods? You mean, Harrods the department store?

DAPHNE: Yes. One afternoon while I was shopping there, I stepped into the loo, and she was standing in front of the mirror brushing her hair and singing a most beautiful song in a language I didn't know. So I asked her what language it was, and she said it was…Maori, I think.

_Gasping, Frasier and Niles grasp each other's upper arms._

FRASIER: (breathlessly) You know what that means, don't you?

DAPHNE: (uncertain) She's Maori?

NILES: You met Dame Kiri!

MARTY: Dame who?

FRASIER: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa—the soprano who sang at Princess Diana's wedding!

DAPHNE: Really? I watched the whole wedding ceremony on telly, but I can't remember seeing her.

NILES: Surely you remember her sublime rendition of Let the Bright Seraphim, don't you, Daphne?

_Daphne still draws a blank._

FRASIER: Oh, for crying out loud, she's the one who wore that garish outfit that looked like a psychedelic muumuu with a pillbox.

DAPHNE: (finally remembering) Ooh, (dumbfounded) that was her?

MARTY: Women—they are too obsessed with dresses and shoes and stuff.

DAPHNE: (getting huffy) Well, men are no better than women—they are always checking out women's bosoms and bums.

NILES: Daphne, I assure you that Dad will forget all about women's body parts and be enthralled by the glorious music at the opera.

MARTY: (groaning) Don't remind me…

_Frasier starts humming the last passage of Non piu andrai farfallone amoroso from The Marriage of Figaro, and soon Niles joins in. Then they begin singing the last refrain together marching around Marty and Daphne. Daphne looks on cheering while Marty continues to sulk._

FRASIER & NILES: _Cherubino, alla vittoria! Alla gloria militar!_


	2. Chapter 2

**M'invitasti E Son Venuto (loosely translated: Hey, You Asked For it!)**

_Frasier's condo. Frasier is in his tailor-made tuxedo, Marty is in his Sunday best. Frasier is trying to straighten Marty's tie in the living room._

FRASIER: Please, Dad, stop squirming! You're worse than a five-year-old!

MARTY: I don't think I dressed up this much for my own wedding!

FRASIER: Don't tell me you wore a clip-on tie on your wedding.

MARTY: Your mother didn't let me.

_There is a knock on the door, which is slightly ajar. The door swings open, and Niles, also wearing a tux, walks in holding a shopping bag from a high-end retail shop. _

NILES: Hi, I just let myself in because the door was open. (examining Marty's attire) Well, hello, Mr. Crane. Don't you look dashing tonight!

FRASIER: The first shirt I selected for Dad was much better, but he spilled some chili on it.

_As Frasier says the line above, Daphne appears wearing a simple but elegant black dress with an elaborate up-do and accessories._

DAPHNE: (to Niles) Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

NILES: Hi, Da-uh…

_As he lays his eyes on Daphne, Niles' jaw drops rendering him completely speechless. He also drops the shopping bag to the floor._

FRASIER: (sharply) Niles!

_Niles wrenches his gaze away from Daphne to face Frasier, who opens then snaps shut his mouth. Niles gets the hint and closes his while dabbing his jaw with a handkerchief as if to wipe any drool that might have run down the jaw._

NILES: Oh, Daphne, you must be a goddess descended from Heaven!

DAPHNE: Why, thank you, Dr. Crane. And you look even more handsome than usual.

FRASIER: I hate to break up this love fest, but we must be going pretty soon.

NILES: (to Daphne) Before we leave, I would like to show you something that I bought for you.

DAPHNE: For me?

_Niles takes out a package from the shopping bag._

NILES: I picked out a couple of items from Spain because that's where tonight's opera is set.

_Niles gives the package to Daphne._

DAPHNE: (acting like a child on a Christmas Day) Oh, this is so exciting. I love opening pressies!

_Daphne opens a package carefully and looks inside._

DAPHNE: (gasps) (taking out a large tortoise shell comb out of the package) Oh, Dr. Crane! This is so beautiful!

_Frasier takes a closer look at the comb._

FRASIER: Is it an antique?

NILES: Yes. It's real tortoise shell. Here, Daphne. Please allow me.

_Niles takes the comb from Daphne and places in her hair. As he does, he quickly takes a whiff of her hair._

DAPHNE: (excitedly) How do I look?

MARTY: You look good.

NILES: (almost swooning) Ah! You look not just good but regal and majestic like a real Spanish noble lady.

FRASIER: (to Niles) Did you say you got a couple of things for Daphne?

NILES: Oh, yes, yes. (fishing another package out of the bag) Here's another one.

_Niles gives the second package to Daphne. She opens the box and takes out a fan. She unfolds it. It is a mostly monochromatic lace fan with a bold, asymmetric red accent._

DAPHNE: Oh, Dr. Crane! You must have spent a small fortune on these things.

FRASIER: If you're uncomfortable accepting expensive gifts, I'm sure Niles can take them back to the store for refunds.

DAPHNE: (frowning) (to Frasier) Don't be ridiculous!

NILES: Oh, please, please keep the token of my appreciation! You're not just a physical therapist for our father—you're almost a member of our family.

DAPHNE: Thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll cherish them for the rest of my life.

NILES: Now, let me take in the sight of a beautiful lady in full regalia.

_Daphne gladly accommodates and strikes a pose like a model while fanning herself._

NILES: (with an emphatic approval) _Olé!_

FRASIER: All right. That's enough. We really should be going now.

MARTY: Not so fast. I gotta go to the little boys' room.

_Marty hurries to the restroom by the entrance and shuts the door with a slam._

_The scene changes to the interior of the opera house. Frasier, Niles, Marty and Daphne are climbing stairs to get to the balcony. As they open one of the doors, they see scores of people seated in several rows applauding. The lecturer at the podium bows._

FRASIER: (disappointedly) Oh, great! The lecture is over.

_Frasier, Niles, Marty and Daphne enter the balcony section._

MARTY: Don't blame me.

FRASIER: Oh, I blame you. Why did you have to scarf down a large bowl of chili just before the lecture?

MARTY: Chili never gave me problems before.

DAPHNE: Are you all right now?

MARTY: Sure. I don't think there's anything left in my gut. And I took the pink stuff—lots of it.

_As the foursome walk down to the front rows of the dress circle, they hear the lecturer chatting with a few people._

LECTURER: Yes, indeed. Mozart packed a lot of stuff that many of us may not be able to accomplish in several lifetimes in his mere thirty-six years on earth.

_Niles, who is escorting Daphne to their seats, stops abruptly._

NILES: (to the lecturer) Thirty-five!

_The lecturer and the people around him turn their heads to see who spoke up._

LECTURER: Beg your pardon?

NILES: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who was christened Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart, died at the age of thirty-five years, ten months and eight days—born January 27, 1756, died December 5, 1791.

_The lecturer does mental calculation._

LECTURER: (nodding) I guess you're right. Thank you for the correction, Dr. Crane.

NILES: You're welcome, Mr. King.

_Niles and Daphne resume their short trip to their seats following Frasier and Marty._

DAPHNE: You know that man?

NILES: Frasier and I attend his lectures occasionally. He's not always gracious when we point out some errors in his lecture though.

_The Cranes and Daphne reach the front row._

FRASIER: Here we are! Niles, why don't you sit in the first row with Daphne? Dad and I will sit right behind you two.

_They take their seats in the dead center of the first and second rows in the dress circle._

MARTY: Hey, you said you got the best seats, but we're not even close to the stage.

FRASIER: These ARE the best seats in the house, Dad. If you sit too close to the stage and the orchestra pit, you won't be able to see the back of the stage at all. And oftentimes, you hear one instrument more prominently than the others because you are seated right by the musician who plays it. Up here, we can see the entire stage without any obstruction, and the voices of the performers and the music reach here all intertwined in sheer perfection!

_Niles, who sits in front of Frasier, looks back to speak with Frasier and Marty._

NILES: It's true, Dad. You also want to avoid sitting too close to the stage when you go to the ballet. Although most ballerinas are eighty-, ninety-pound waifs, they still make a lot of noises when they jump and land on the stage.

MARTY: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks. I gotta make a note of that in my diary when I get home!

_Marty looks at his wristwatch._

MARTY: Hey, we still have enough time to get something to eat and drink.

FRASIER: Sorry, Dad. No eating or drinking allowed inside the auditorium.

NILES: Besides, the concession stand won't open until the intermission.

MARTY: (grumbling) What a bum deal!

FRASIER: However, it's always a good idea to use the restroom before the performance. There's always a traffic jam there during the intermission, especially on the ladies' side—so I hear.

MARTY: Not me. I've seen enough of the inside of the bathroom for one night.

DAPHNE: (standing up with her coat in hand) Well, if you excuse me, I'd like to pay a visit to the ladies' room.

_Niles jumps up and takes Daphne's coat from her._

NILES: (to Daphne, who is already heading out) I will keep your seat warm until you come back, Daphne!

_Niles takes Daphne's seat. Before he sits upright, he takes a whiff of Daphne's coat._

_In the next several scenes, the opera has already begun. The audience sits in the dark theater and watches the performance with rapt attention as we hear snippets of Se a caso madama, Se vuol ballare, La vendetta, Non so piu cosa son, Porgi amor. The audience applauds, and the lights come back on in the theater for the intermission. Before the applause dies down, Marty gets out of his seat._

MARTY: Man, I thought it'd never end! I really gotta go!

_Marty sees a certain look on Frasier's face and speaks again before his son does._

MARTY: Yeah, yeah. So, you warned me. But this is the price of getting old. Look forward to it, son.

_Marty hurriedly walks up the aisle._

_The scene changes to the theater's crowded lobby. Frasier, Niles and Daphne are in the lobby sipping white wine from plastic cups. Marty comes back from the trip to the restroom. _

MARTY: (looking around) Boy, it's really crowded everywhere!

_Marty looks at the cups of wine in his sons' and Daphne's hands, then sees how long the line is at the concession stand._

MARTY: (walking toward the line for the concession stand) (glumly) Great, another long wait.

_Frasier shows a can of beer, which was concealed from Marty's view. Niles produces a large pretzel for Marty._

MARTY: (cracking a smile) Hey, don't toy with me! (receiving the beer and the pretzel) Thanks, boys.

_As Marty is about to take a swig of beer, the bell rings to let the audience know that the intermission is ending._

FRASIER: Oh, dear. The intermission is almost over.

NILES: You have only a few minutes to finish your beer and pretzel, Dad. There always are stragglers, but the ushers may not allow you to enter the auditorium once the performance resumes.

DAPHNE: I'll see you upstairs, Mr. Crane.

_Frasier, Niles and Daphne go up the stairs to return to their seats. Marty chugs almost half of the beer then takes a couple of bites of the pretzel. As he swallows, he starts gagging like he is choking. He thumps his chest several times with a fist, and a piece of pretzel comes out of his mouth. When a coughing fit subsides, he sips beer some more and coughs some more but not as hard as before. He looks around and sees only a dozen or so people left in the lobby. There is a large clear plastic dispenser of complimentary cough drops by one of the double-door entrances. A man takes one of the cough drops and walks into the auditorium. Still coughing intermittently, Marty takes a couple of cough drops first, then, after a few moments of hesitation, grabs a handful from the dispenser. As he hurries over to the stairs, he chucks the rest of the pretzel and the beer in the trash bin._

_The scene changes back to the inside the auditorium. Marty is back to the front row and about to take his seat. _

FRASIER: Well, about time, Dad.

NILES: Did you enjoy the cold one?

MARTY: Not really. I almost choked on the pretzel. I was so busy coughing I didn't have time to finish them. Man, I'm still hungry.

_The lights in the auditorium flicker a few times urging the audience to return to their seats. _

DAPHNE: Oh, you just got back in time, Mr. Crane.

MARTY: (mumbling to himself) Not that I was eager to come back…

_The lights go out. The audience applauds when the conductor returns to the pit. The music starts. Resigned, Marty sits back in his seat and puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He sits up quickly as he finds cough drops in one of the pockets. He takes out one of the cough drops, unwraps it and pops into his mouth. After a few moments, he noisily unwraps the rest of the cough drops and puts them in his mouth in succession._

FRASIER: (annoyed) (whispering) Dad, what are you doing?

MARTY: (with his mouth full) I told you, I'm still hungry. You know, this stuff isn't so ba…

_Marty starts coughing violently as one of the cough drops goes down in the trachea. Daphne, who is sitting in front of Marty, gets peppered with the cough drops. _

FRASIER: (alarmed) Dad! Are you all right?

_Marty simply nods but is unable to speak and keeps coughing. The people around him seem both concerned and annoyed. Marty, still coughing, stands up and starts to leave the auditorium so as not to disturb the rest of the audience. Frasier and Niles are about to follow their father, but Daphne intervenes. _

DAPHNE: No, Dr. Crane, you stay. I'll go check on your father.

_Daphne follows Marty up the aisle. Niles is torn between staying put and following Daphne. He finally sits down when he feels Frasier's assuring hand on his shoulder._

_The scene changes to the lobby of the opera house. The lobby is deserted. Marty is still coughing but intermittently. Daphne appears._

DAPHNE: Mr. Crane! Are you all right?

MARTY: Yeah. (coughs some more) I'll be all right. A cough drop went down the wrong pipe. Ironic, isn't it? Anyway, thanks for checking up on me during the show.

_When Marty puts his hand on Daphne's back, he finds something and sees what it is. He looks at the object in his hand, then at Daphne's back._

MARTY: Uh-oh.

DAPHNE: What is it?

MARTY: (evasively) Oh, nothing to worry about.

_Marty tries to remove the cough drops stuck on the back of her dress while pretending to pat Daphne's back, but she is not easily fooled. She quickly turns around and grabs his hand._

DAPHNE: (seeing what Marty has in his hand) (horrified) Oh, no! Were those stuck on my dress?

MARTY: (sheepishly) Yeah. You were sitting right in front of me when I was sucking on them. Then I almost choked on one…

_Daphne takes Marty's hand and starts walking briskly toward one end of the lobby._

MARTY: Hey, where're we going?

DAPHNE: Have you any idea how much I paid for this dress? I have to treat the stains before they set in permanently.

MARTY: Why are you taking me with you?

DAPHNE: Well, someone has to help me with the zipper when I take off and put back on the dress. Of all people, you should know—you gave me a hand at home tonight.

_When they are in front of the women's restroom, Marty stops abruptly._

MARTY: Wait a minute! I'm not going in there!

DAPHNE: (with hands on the hips) Listen. You can unzip me right by the door. If someone else comes in to use the loo, I'll ask her to zip up the dress for me. But if no one else is around, YOU will have to.

MARTY: You mean, I have to wait right outside the ladies'?

DAPHNE: I'm not coming out here with the zipper all the way down to my knickers! Now, could you unzip me?

_Daphne turns around, and Marty reluctantly raises his hand._

_Time lapse. Marty is still outside the ladies' room pacing and checking his wristwatch. Getting impatient, he knocks on the door._

MARTY: Hey, Daph. You all right? You've been there for a long time.

DAPHNE: (voice only) Yes. I'm putting on the dress right now. You can come in.

_Marty nervously looks around and sees no one in the lobby. He quickly steps into the restroom._

_Marty is now in the lounge area of the ladies' room. There are room-length mirrors and counters on both sides as well as vanity benches, plush carpeting and ornate light fixtures. Daphne is standing by one of the benches as Marty looks around in awe._

MARTY: Wow! How come the women's restroom is much nicer then the men's?

DAPHNE: (curtly) How much time do you spend in front of a mirror putting on a makeup? Now, would you please zip me up, Mr. Crane?

_Once again, Daphne turns her back toward Marty. The zipper is halfway up. He tugs at the zipper._

MARTY: Uh-oh. The zipper's stuck.

DAPHNE: Try zipping it down first then up—sometimes it helps.

MARTY: (after a few attempts) No, it's really stuck. It wouldn't move at all.

DAPHNE: Oh, no! You've got to fix it, Mr. Crane! Please!

_Marty renews his effort. He strains to pull up the zipper, but it stays put when his fingers lose traction on the zipper tab and the hand flies upward. The hand hits Daphne's up-do, and the tortoise shell comb pops out and drops on the floor. Daphne sees the comb on the carpet and starts to bend over to pick it up._

MARTY: I'll get that for you, Daph.

_As Marty bends over, Daphne steps on the hem of her dress and falls on his back. They both end up on the floor. Marty hits the floor first, and Daphne bounces off his back and rolls onto the floor. He sits up and sees her by him face down. _

MARTY: (concerned) Daphne! Are you all right?

_Daphne moans and mumbles something as Marty places his hand on her back. When someone screams behind him, Marty jumps up from the floor startled. Marty and Daphne turn their gaze to the direction of the scream and see a middle-aged woman at the entrance of the ladies' room. She screams once more and runs away. Marty and Daphne look at each other for a moment or two._

DAPHNE: Uh-oh. You should go talk to her. Tell her what really happened.

MARTY: No way! We can go out together, and if we catch up with that woman, you can explain. It's embarrassing enough for me to get caught in the women's bathroom.

_Marty helps Daphne as she gingerly stands up. He realizes he has landed on the comb when he fell. He picks it up. _

DAPHNE: (seeing the comb broken in half) Oh, no! My beautiful comb! What am I going to tell Dr. Crane?

MARTY: (patting Daphne's back) Don't worry—he'll understand. You know, dresses and things can be replaced. I'll replace your stuff if it makes you feel better. One of these days, we'll be able to look back and laugh at this…this…incident. We should be glad that the worst part of the night was a broken comb and a broken zipper.

_The scene changes suddenly. With the opera house, its displaced audience, the musicians, the performers in costume, several police cars and a few policemen in the background, a female news reporter speaks to a TV camera._

REPORTER: The final performance of Seattle Opera's production, The Marriage of Figaro, was abruptly interrupted this evening when the police received a 911 call reporting an assault in the women's restroom at the Opera House. There was a lockdown initially, but after the police took two people into custody, the entire auditorium was evacuated for a precaution. The police are still in the process of investigating the case as we speak.

_The cameraman signals the reporter to turn around. When she does, she sees Marty and Daphne emerge from one of the police cars. She runs to them with the crew right behind her. Marty puts his arm around Daphne's shoulders to comfort her. He looks roughed up. Daphne's dress is torn in a couple of places, and she has black rings around her eyes like a raccoon's after crying quite a bit. Her hair is also messed up._

REPORTER: (to the camera, running) It seems the police just released a couple of individuals involved in tonight's incident. (to Marty and Daphne) Excuse me! Would you care to comment on your involvement in this incident?

_Daphne is dismayed to see a TV reporter and the camera and turns her head away from the camera. She starts sobbing again. Marty is simply at a loss for words. The image of them suddenly becomes a bit blurry as thin, horizontal black lines appear on it. When the camera pulls back, we see that we are watching a news report on a TV set. The camera pans to show Frasier, Niles and Marty sitting on the sofa and the recliner in Frasier's living room with a dazed look on their faces. We also hear Daphne wailing in her room._


	3. Chapter 3

**Crane Boys Keep Fallin' On Their Heads**

_Interior of Key Arena. Marty, Frasier and Niles appear climbing down the aisle looking for their seats. Frasier and Niles are dressed down wearing windbreakers instead of their usual business suit. Marty takes a glance at the tickets in his hand and the numbers on the seats._

MARTY: (taking a seat) All right! These are great seats. Thanks, Fras.

FRASIER: Don't mention it, Dad.

NILES: (frowning) The floor is really sticky here. It reminds me of that run-down movie theater that showed double features to pack after pack of wild children on weekends in our old neighborhood.

MARTY: Ah! Memories, huh?

NILES: You can say that again. No matter how hard I try to suppress the horrific images of those swarming children with sticky hands and feet around me, they always come back when I am least expecting.

_Marty sits down in the middle, sandwiched between Frasier and Niles. Niles wipes down his chair with his handkerchief before sitting down. When he is seated, he takes out a pack of wet wipes, cleans the bottoms of his shoes and puts the soiled wipe in a plastic bag that he uses as a temporary trash bag._

MARTY: Boy, it's gonna be a good one tonight. Our boys are playing against the I-5 rival.

FRASIER: I-5 stretches from B.C. to B.C.—Vancouver B.C. to Baja California. Could you be more specific?

MARTY: (shaking his head) Sheesh! Do I have to explain everything? The Sonics are playing against the Portland Trail Blazers.

NILES: As you mentioned I-5, I assume the Trail Blazers are from Portland, Oregon, not Portland, Maine.

FRASIER: Well, isn't that obvious, Niles?

MARTY: (muttering to himself) Says Mr. Pot…

_Two men walk up the aisle by Niles, with their backs to the camera._

NILES: Frasier!

FRASIER: Yes, Niles?

NILES: Did you see the faces of the men who just passed by us?

FRASIER: No. What about them?

NILES: I hope there's nothing wrong with those men. They painted their faces in green, yellow and white!

MARTY: So? They're the Sonics' team colors—green, gold and white. Lots of fans do that.

NILES: Really?

MARTY: Sure.

NILES: What I mean is, the men had green, yellow and white on their faces, not gold.

MARTY: Yellow, gold—what's the difference?

NILES: (getting riled up) I beg your pardon?

FRASIER: Save your breath, Niles. You're talking to a man who can't tell eggshell from ivory, chiffon, magnolia or alabaster.

_A group of men and women wearing Blazers jerseys come down the aisle and take seats near the Cranes'. In their row and ones right in front and behind, there are more people wearing Blazers shirts and colors._

NILES: (looking around the surrounding rows of seats) Dad, a lot of people here seem to be Trail Blazers fans.

MARTY: Yeah, so? You see a lot of Blazers fans even on a road game. The team was the best in the west last season after all.

_Marty sees a puzzled look on his sons' faces._

MARTY: (as if to speak to small children) The Blazers won the last Western Conference Championship.

_Frasier notices something or someone several rows ahead of his._

FRASIER: Niles! Look! The first row!

NILES: (gasps) Is it Bill Gates?

FRASIER: Yes, and his buddy, Paul Allen.

MARTY: I bet they have a season ticket—they sure can afford it.

FRASIER: I'm sure they can, but I'm afraid their company may be in a financial strait. Perhaps I should speak with my investment advisor.

MARTY: What do you mean?

FRASIER: Look where they're seated. They're right by the basketball court. Why did they have to get such cheap seats?

MARTY: What are you talking about? They got courtside seats—the best in the house.

NILES: Really?

MARTY: Sure.

NILES: I mean, isn't it kind of dangerous to sit so close to the basketball court? You might get hit by an errant ball during a game.

MARTY: Oh, not only that but sometimes a player crashes into the courtside seats trying to make a save. And if you sit by the court, you can hear the players talking and cussing and smell their sweat too.

NILES: (incredulously) And you pay the top price for that?

MARTY: (sighing) Yeah, dream on…

_The scene changes to a sweeping view of Key Arena, which is packed with a very enthusiastic crowd. The game has started, and the spectators are cheering. The Sonics fans chant, "DEFENSE! DEFENSE!" on the top of their lungs as they watch the game._

MARTY: (to the players on court) C'mon, guys! Let's show 'em some D!

_The crowd erupts in cheers._

FRASIER: (shocked) (pointing toward the basketball court) Dad, did you see that?

MARTY: Sure did! Now, we're talkin'!

FRASIER: But, Dad, that player ripped the ball right out of the opponent's hands!

MARTY: So? It's called 'steal.' (to a Sonic) Come on, Gary!

NILES: (outraged) What happened to sportsmanship? I cannot endorse a sport that not only condones but also encourages larcenous acts during a game!

_The crowd groans, but the Blazers fans around the Cranes perk up._

NILES: He missed! Justice prevails!

MARTY: (balefully) Whose side are you on? Why can't you root for your home team like a normal guy?

FRASIER: We're not exactly like 'normal guys,' as you put it.

NILES: (pondering what Frasier just said) Doesn't that make us 'abnormal'?

MARTY: (mumbling under breath) Oh, how I wonder…

_We hear a whistle, which signals a time-out._

MARTY: So, what do you think of this game so far?

FRASIER: (jokingly) I didn't know basketball is a contact sport.

MARTY: (cracking up) It sure gets physical, doesn't it?

NILES: I'll say.

MARTY: (pointing toward the basketball court) All right! Looks like Nate McMillan's up.

FRASIER: Is he a good player?

MARTY: Sure. He's not flashy like some others, but he's an all-around player. I like him. Payton scores more points, but he's got a big mouth. McMillan doesn't do a lot of trash talking.

NILES: A stoic player—I like that.

MARTY: At this point, I don't care if he's stoic or volatile so long as he can put a stop on Clyde the Glide.

_We hear a whistle again, which indicates the resumption of the game. The spectators resume their cheers._

NILES: Clyde the Glide, The Glove… Why is that the sports fans are compelled to give athletes quirky nicknames?

MARTY: Not all the athletes get nicknames—only a few that made it to the top. (solemnly) Nicknames are the sign of their greatness. (to the players on the court) C'mon, guys! Let's take care of business!

_Time lapse. Marty looks glum. The Blazers fans around him are energized._

MARTY: Man, Drexler's killing us.

FRASIER: (matter-of-factly) Yes, and that player who made all those long shots.

MARTY: Terry Porter. Yeah, he's in the zone. Of all nights, he picks tonight to drain all the three-pointers.

_Marty checks the game clock to see how much time remains._

MARTY: Oh, it's almost halftime. Might as well hit the concession stand to beat the crowd. (to his sons) You want anything? Nachos, hotdogs, beer, soda? (grinning) Did I mention 'beer'?

NILES: You obviously have no idea what's in hotdogs—if you did, you would not touch them with a ten-foot pole.

MARTY: I don't care what in my hotdog as long as it makes my belly happy. How about you, Fras?

FRASIER: I don't suppose they have a large selection of imported French wine or Oregon Pinot Noir…

MARTY: (rising from his seat) (grumbling) Why can't you two just say, "no" to a simple question? Stay put and don't get into any trouble till I come back.

_Marty walks up the aisle._

NILES: Too bad that Daphne didn't want to come with us tonight.

FRASIER: Can you blame her? Since the last outing with us, she has hardly left home.

NILES: It's so unfair that we couldn't enjoy the whole production of _Le Nozze_. But because you made a deal with Dad, we're stuck in this place with people with painted faces, colored wigs, giant foam hands, God knows what else, who are cheering over-paid athletes, who sweat profusely and cuss like a drunken sailor.

_Frasier moves to Marty's seat to be closer to Niles._

FRASIER: Well, the game is almost halfway over. You know, Niles, while we're here, we should use the time more constructively. Now that we're in Dad's element, it's easier to talk to him—maybe we should use this opportunity for male bonding.

NILES: We're in Dad's element all right—thousands of people screaming at athletes while consuming a large quantity of junk food. It's like Dad in your living room watching TV, ten thousand-fold.

_As Niles sits back and throws his head back with resignation, we hear a whistle again._

NILES: (sitting up with renewed enthusiasm) (hopefully) Is it over?

FRASIER: No another foul. Looks like a Blazer will shoot free throws.

NILES: This game is unbelievable! The last time I checked the game clock, there was only five minutes left, but that was over ten minutes ago.

FRASIER: True, but I must admit, these are incredible players with astounding athleticism. It's amazing how high they can leap and how fast they run up and down the court while dribbling.

NILES: _Et tu_, Frasier?

_Niles cradles his head in his hands. Another whistle._

FRASIER: Niles.

NILES: What?

FRASIER: The first half of the game's over. It's halftime.

NILES: (pumping a fist in the air) Yes! Not a minute too soon!

_A couple of Blazers fans, who are seated at the end of the row Frasier and Niles are in, stand up and take a few step toward the end of the row. They look down at the entrance of the tunnel that leads to the locker room, then turn around excitedly to talk to other Blazers fans._

BLAZER FAN: They're coming! The Blazers are going back to the locker room!

_The Blazers fans around Frasier and Niles rush to the end of the rows to greet their favorite players. Frasier and Niles get swept up in the mob. The fans are pressing their bodies against the guardrail hoping to shake hands or high-five the Blazers. Struggling to break free from the maddening crowd, Niles jumps up on the armrest of the nearest seat._

FRASIER: (alarmed) Careful, Niles!

_Niles loses his footing, goes over the rail and starts falling head first onto the Blazers who are heading for the locker room. Frasier grabs Niles' ankles trying to prevent his fall in vain. Instead, he too falls. Niles lands on a Blazer wearing a number 22 jersey, Frasier, on another player in a number 30 jersey. As the security guards pull the Crane brothers up, the image of harried Frasier and Niles freezes and turns black and white. When the camera pulls back, we see that the image is the photograph on the front page of a local newspaper. The headline reads__**: Crazed fans bring down top Blazers players, Sonics win**__._

_Next morning. Frasier's condo. The living room is empty. Frasier appears from the hallway wearing a robe, looks around to make sure there is no one else around. He walks to the front door, opens it quietly and picks up a copy of newspaper. He winces when he sees his picture on the front page. He hears some noise and hurriedly hides the newspaper inside his robe. Marty enters the scene dressed in pajamas and a robe, carrying a coffee mug in his hand._

FRASIER: (trying to sound naturally) Morning, Dad.

MARTY: (with tussled hair and bleary-eyed) Mornin'.

_Marty walks to the kitchen._

FRASIER: Say, Dad. The morning paper's not here yet. I wonder what's taking them so long to deliver the paper.

_Marty comes out of the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee._

MARTY: Funny, it was right at our door when I checked it earlier.

_Getting caught in a lie, Frasier cradles his forehead in his hand, and, by doing so, he drops the newspaper, which was tucked under his arm inside the robe._

MARTY: (picking up the paper) This may not be the best picture of you, but the paper calls you a B-ball fan at least.

FRASIER: All right, Dad. I'd like to offer you a proposal…

MARTY: (rapidly) You'll never drag me to the opera house again, and I'll never take you to another ballgame ever again so long as we shall live?

FRASIER: (extending his arm) Deal!

_Frasier and Marty shake on the deal. After the handshake, Frasier sits down at the dining table with the newspaper, and Marty starts to walk back to his room._

MARTY: (without breaking his stride or looking back) Oh, Fras.

FRASIER: Yes, Dad?

MARTY: Channel 5 called when you were in the shower.

_Marty walks out of the camera range. Exasperated, Frasier comically throws his upper body onto the dining table._

**Epilogue**

_Niles is in a Spanish soldier's uniform from the late 1800s and seated at a small table in what appears to be an outdoor scene onstage. Daphne appears as a gypsy dressed in a revealing peasant dress. She dances around him seductively as she sings, but he remains stoic and pays little attention to her ostentatious flirtation. Daphne finishes singing and tosses a bunch of wild roses to Niles. _

_The scene changes abruptly to Niles' residence. Niles is holding a record sleeve of Carmen to his chest in one hand, a single rose in the other while listening to a vintage recording of this opera by Bizet on an antique record player. He inhales the aromatic scent of the rose and sighs longingly. _


End file.
